2024 into 2025

A hugely belated ‘end of year’ post, but it’s here finally!

2024 was a game of two halves (well, 3 and 1 quarters). If it hadn’t ended with the single worst period of my life, this would have been a pretty good year.

I managed a lot more travel than before, something that’s always a highlight for me and which creates lasting memories. Unbroken night sleep mostly settled down, I felt very settled at work, and there were lots of lovely moments with family and friends. Let’s jump in…

(This essay is part of a yearly series dating back to 2011(!). Last year’s post can be found here)

Parenthood

The kid continues to be a delight… at least most of the time when I’m not being terrible two-ed, which feels like a lot at the moment as we’re dropping the final day nap (RIP a break in the day 😬) and having a lot of over-tiredness contributing to grumping.

On the flip side, their language skills have been advanced for quite some time (genuinely, not just doing that adoring parent thing), and that means that we’re able to have proper little conversations and get commentary and opinions on the world. It’s genuinely as wonderful and cliched as everyone says to be able to hear the unfiltered version of what’s going through a little person’s head, and see the world through their eyes.

Some highlights of where we’re at:

• Music has become a big, big thing. From different sources the kid has independently got into David Bowie, Foo Fighters, the Darkness, as well more typical classics of the Moana and Frozen soundtracks, plus songs from Ghibli films. Panic! At the Disco’s “Into The Unknown” and Feeder’s “Jaguar Car” (😆) are the current obsessions.
• I’ve found my second calling as a cardboard artist, and have loved making things that then get a lot of love.
• Not only is having a child breathing new life into all of the stuff that I’ve collected over the years, but it’s a fun excuse to do activities like trampolining and gymnastics and climbing trees.
• Totoro/Ponyo/Kiki/Howl are all big favourites, even in Japanese.
• Darth Vader is the kid’s favourite character in Star Wars.
• Seeing huge progress in weekly swimming lessons, followed by a trip to the Starbucks drive through. I love time in the water too.
• Niche Japanese phrases absorbed during our trip (「 ドアが閉まります」/the doors are closing) getting wheeled out whenever we’re on trains or in a lift.
• More zoo trips, farm trails, cooking elaborate mini versions of things, and revisiting the pumpkin patch.
• They’re ambidextrous with kiddy chopsticks, loves wakame and miso, but yet somehow is not a fan of cheese. Weirdo.

Working 9/10 days continues to be a pretty good balance, and I still enjoy having a dedicated day to do kid stuff. It does however make the shorter week a lot harder if anything else happens, such as the kid being off nursery, or a sick day. I also would love to find a balance where I have more time for me – I was incredibly naive to think that my non-working day would be a chance to recharge/do other stuff, when in reality I actually find them more exhausting than work days!

In general having a kid and two working parents continues to be tough. I read the book Matrescence this year and boy did it resonate. Despite supportive work environments, society in the UK is absolutely not set up to make this easy, and it’s something that both my husband and I still struggle with in terms of balance. I do have “can I really do all of this?” thoughts every now and again.

Overall nights are much better now. We still have the occasional wakes and hours lost to sleeping on a sofa, and actually since writing this the start of the year was pretty tough sleep-wise, but generally everything is much better in that respect. I could only have dreamed of such sleep this time last year.

Germs are still one of the hardest things. At the start of winter we had to keep the kid out of nursery because of the below issues and needing to be ready to go in case of treatment, which has slightly skewed the comparison to last year, but yet we still somehow managed a seemingly endless stream of delightful illnesses. January was 3 weekends of solid colds.

We’re right at the point of losing any kind of a daytime nap too, which makes the days relentless, and more an issue if I’m trying to juggle work/anything else with a kid off nursery.

So overall it’s a real mix. Plenty of ups, but this shit is still hard. As always, I’m talking about it to shine a light for people who may not be so aware, and also hopefully to look back on next year and see things have got easier!

The even harder stuff

(Content warning: references to cancer/child illness)

One day in September, the kid was in the garden and started having trouble walking. Over the next couple of weeks there were intermittent times where “the leg thing” happened. We couldn’t initially work out whether it was real, or if it was just a silly walk (it coincided with a bit of an interest in pirates…). As it began to get more persistent, and was always on the same leg, we had doctors trips, and then whilst waiting for a physio and X-ray referral on a particularly bad day we decided to go to A&E. After an 8 hour wait, the kid grinned at the doctor whilst shoving the affected foot in their mouth, so we didn’t get far. We then had a day at the fracture clinic, appointments with rheumatology, and then had a provisional diagnosis of juvenile idiopathic arthritis. We had an MRI, which at the time we thought was to check for joint damage, and had further appointments booked for eye and heart checks.

Needless to say, this was all tough. We were balancing days when the kid couldn’t walk at all, and we couldn’t send them to nursery (which meant days off work or trying to juggle both things). Processing the prospect of a chronic illness in one so young was also pretty tough given my own experiences.

The MRI was a horrible experience - having to get a nasty sedation medicine in through tears and spitting out, then handling what felt like a small drunk person getting confused and scared and asking what was happening, through to thrashing and screaming before the sedation finally, finally took hold.

I was actually out of the country in a period between planned appointments when everything went even more to shit (see Denmark below). During another trip to A&E with a sadly now common flare-up, my husband got pulled into a room with an oncology nurse and told they’d reviewed the MRI and thought it was a tumour in the bone. I hadn’t immediately flown home as these flare ups and A&E trips were sadly routine now, but on getting the call I immediately ran back to the hotel and got on the first flight I could, binning the rest of the trip.

The next few weeks were the worst period of my life. There was some hope, as they revised the initial assessment that it was in the bone, and instead we were told it was in the joint. We went back for more consultations before being referred for a biopsy in a specialist unit. A 4am start and a long drive in pouring rain was countered by being in the first slot of the day, which meant we missed the worst of explaining “nil by mouth” to a toddler. The general anaesthetic was thankfully much smoother than the MRI sedation, and as always the staff were amazing.

Then began the horrible limbo of waiting for results. Work were exceptionally good to me, and I was able to spend time looking after myself, my husband, and the kid. At that point they couldn’t walk at all, and it was heartbreaking having to try to stay positive for them externally whilst being terrified inside.

Thankfully I got the call, “no evidence of cancer”, and we were able to breathe out. At the time of writing we’re still having to deal with the condition and are again doing the referral dance, but everything else feels much more surmountable than that horrible “tumour in the bone” moment.

Trips abroad

On a much more positive note, after only travelling domestically as a family the previous year, we bit the bullet in a big way and did three foreign holidays as a trio this year. It’s been so nice seeing what memories have persisted, and I like to think that it’s contributed to the small one being a bit more open to different experiences, people, and cultures.

Japan

The big event of the year was a family trip to Japan right before the kid turned 2 (and would therefore need a proper plane ticket bought). This was something that I’d had in mind for a while, because I really wanted my mum to visit the country I love whilst she still feels up for big adventures.

I wrote about it here, and whilst very different from previously solo or adult-only trips it was still so special. We didn’t do a lot of new stuff, aside from a short stay in Hakone which I’d never actually been to before, but again it was so nice to see everything through a child’s eyes, and to have an excuse to do some more touristy stuff with mum that I hadn’t done for nearly 20 years.

Whilst in Tokyo I also managed to meet Ako-san for the first time, who I’d previously only ever spoken to online after I joined her group lessons years ago. It was so lovely to have lunch and just chat about life, and I really hope I’ll be able to see her again at some point, either in Japan or maybe in the UK!

Lake Garda

I’d booked up a trip to Lake Garda for my husband’s 40th, which seemed destined to coincide with terrible thunderstorms the whole time, but we were actually incredibly lucky. Aside from a small amount of rain, the storms held off until night, and we got to see some spectacular lighting and the sky lighting up across the lake. As always in Italy, the food was incredible and I’d love another trip again soon.

Crete

We weren’t organised in 2023, so this was our first real “we actually need to do something during nursery shutdown or it’s a waste and a childcare stress… wait HOW MUCH?!” trip. Another story of tech privilege coming into play, I paid the extortionate £1862.30 budget airline short haul fees (jkahsdjhasjhd) and we headed on our first “do nothing” all inclusive beach holiday since 2012. It was nice, the kid levelled up with swimming considerably and still talks about night swimming, and the free-flow Greek pastries were exceptional. But in general the juxtaposition between having a demanding toddler and thus not being in relaxation mode, didn’t make it quite as chill as I would have hoped, and I generally prefer holidays where there’s more to see and do. It all very much brought the school holiday dilemmas home though, and I’m really, really not looking forward to the future of only being able to go away outside of term time.

Denmark

As we approached the end of the year, I decided to jam in a short solo break for a bit of actual me time. I earmarked Copenhagen because of a combination of it having an (adults only) hotel I’d had bookmarked for years after a recommendation, because a ceramics studio I love is based there, the food looked ace, and because quiet out-of-season pre-Christmas vibes looked up my street.

I foolishly booked it in a week that I’d taken off for two medical appointments, notably the MRI mentioned above. We hadn’t yet had the results, and on the day I left before dawn, my husband had to keep the kid off nursery because they couldn’t walk. I felt shitty the whole day for having a nice time whilst they were struggling back home, but managed to hit up lots of sights, plus had a delicious meal that evening.

The next day back home they went straight into A&E, which was when my husband got pulled aside, called me, and I immediately packed and went to sit in the airport. So all in all it was a very short trip and I didn’t see as much as I’d hoped. I’d like to go back, what I saw of the city was a lovely time, and I’m grateful for the day I had. However I think there’ll be a fair bit of association trauma to process first.

San Francisco for TrustCon

My final trip abroad was a work one, heading to San Francisco with quite a few colleagues for TrustCon – the global conference dedicated to trust and safety professionals. I was actually so pleasantly surprised by the conference, whether through the quality and fascinating topics of talks, through to the professionalism and thoughtful inclusivity. A lot of elements were unlike any other conference I’d attended, and I got a huge amount out of going.

As with my previous trip to San Francisco, I didn’t have much time free, and once again I feel like I only scratched the surface of the city through a combo of our evening team dinner/client events, and my limited time before heading to the airport. A lot has been said about the culture of the city in recent years, and when I first got there on a Sunday night I went for a walk and didn’t feel safe at all, actually feeling like I may have made a bit of a mistake. Despite that I still had some highlights outside of the conference – Burmese lunch with a partner team was delicious, and I spent my last night alone on a sunset bay cruise with a bottle of beer and bread bowl clam chowder. Perfect.

I also thoroughly changed my mind on autonomous vehicles during the trip. Beforehand I thought the concept was pretentious tech bro nonsense to be ridiculed, but although there are admittedly still numerous problematic elements to them, on using them I fell in love with Waymo.

Good meals

A return to travel also meant a tentative return to some select meals. The most notable ones were utterly delicious and highly recommended:

• Chishuru (West African) with my old colleague Kaitlyn was new to me and I’d love to go back
• Humble Chicken had great vibes and was a nice treat for myself on a stay over in London for work
• On my one evening in Copenhagen I booked Kiin Kiin which was ace. It was actually spicy, which is sometimes dialled down in finer dining places.

Friends, family, and closer to home

Spending quality time with loved ones continues to be something that I’m deliberately doing a lot more of, and 2024 was no exception. Outside of the big Japan trip I saw my mum a lot over the year (fireworks, zoo trip for Christmas lights, and many more), and also had some lovely visits to spend time with my brother… plus the arrival of my new nephew! In summer we spent a lovely day with my aunts and uncles and cousins, with the next generation of all ages running around the prickle infested lawn I’d so loved visiting on trips back to the UK as a child. They raked out a load of their toys that I’d played with as a kid too, and so many tactile memories flooded back on seeing specific items, which was really unexpected.

Friend-wise some highlights were a long-awaited night out in London with some of my best pals, and we even managed to get our most northern-most member down for a memorable viewing of Ghostbusters at the Royal Albert Hall. We’ve come a long way since messy nights in the Tunbridge Wells Pitcher and Piano 😆

The Ghostbusters trip was the first night both my husband and I had stayed away from the small one. We both naturally still woke up at an ungodly hour out of habit, but that did mean there was time for Dishoom breakfast before we had to head home.

Some other nice moments were a family trip to London just before Christmas to soak up the atmosphere (aka fight through crowds) and eat at the delicious Fowl. We joined a gathering of our longstanding ‘internet friends’ from a PHPBB message board in the early 2000s for a summer bbq, kind of saw the aurora in our garden (although better through a camera) in October, and the kid’s first trip to the cinema for Moana 2.

Gigs

This year was… weird but nice… in terms of gigs. At the end of last year, I booked tickets to see the legend that is Nick Cope, partly because the kid enjoys his songs, but also partly because we have a long standing joke that he’s the alter ego of my friend Paul. It was actually really great (he has genuine bangers in his repertoire), and was a good test case for confirming a 2 year old could sit through an hour of music. We subsequently went back to another gig of his later in the year, which was just as enjoyable.

The next step up was the low commitment of a “Summer Sundays” mini festival being held nearby in Colchester’s Castle Park. It was 90s/00-tastic, with Ash, Ocean Colour Scene, and Embrace all featuring. We turned up for Ash and again it was heartening to have the kid engaged for a full set (including making a break for the front at one point 😆), being ok with ear defenders, and not being fazed by the crowds and how much was going on.

The final step was a day pass to Latitude. Despite being close, we’ve never actually been before, and I was pleasantly surprised. It was a lovely setting, super well organised and family friendly, and we’ve bit the bullet and have weekend tickets for 2025. The highlight was the kid’s absolute amazement at getting to see The Darkness live. In preparation, some months prior we’d put on some songs from bands playing, and they had totally latched onto I Believe In A Thing Called Love. Following that we had to play (selected songs from!) Permission To Land literally every day, and watching live videos became a small obsession. Given much of the subject matter and lyrics it’s not what I would have chosen(!), but it was very cool to see preferences start emerging.

Health

Tied into not having the right balance in life, my health has been utterly terrible. My fitness is the worst it’s been, and I’ve struggled with my ME/CFS symptoms really limiting what I can do at points. I’m feeling a bit lost here. I want to do more to improve this next year, and need to balance being kind to myself about rest and energy management, but also pushing myself to find time and do more - not taking the easy option. Work continues to make me very sedentary, whilst also draining energy in emotional/intellectual ways, so it’s all a bit of a tough balance. As always, I don’t actually have many sick days off work for anything outside of nursery colds, and I end up crashing a lot on evenings and weekends.

I bought my first ever smartwatch to try to help me understand my body better, which has been fascinating. It’s flagged that I get roughly half of what is considered normal for ‘restorative sleep’ (even outside of kid wakings…), and I’m trying to use it to help me pace myself, whilst also having visibility into when I’m getting too sedentary.

Work

There has been a ton of change here, both in the company as a whole, and when my org got moved to report into a new area with expanded scope (which has been really positive). I can’t talk about specifics without approval so this is all vague, but it’s good. I’m learning a lot, am very proud of what the team have achieved, and get to work with some incredible people (including so many smart women, which I really don’t take for granted). Work have also been incredibly kind and supportive with the kid issues at the end of the year.

Trust and Safety continues to be a meaningful space for me, and I’ve also been getting more involved with the TSPA, for which I’ve contributed some materials, and am part of the committee for TrustCon.

Conference speaking/blogging took a back seat again It makes me a bit sad that outside of the end of year wrap-up, I only managed one solitary personal blog post all year. That’s an all-time low for me, and again is a combination of time/energy levels, plus extra hoops needed for approval. The slowness of getting this post out into the world again highlights that it’s a real challenge for me to juggle blogging with all of the other priorities nowadays. I did write one article externally though: Making executive onboarding a smooth journey

Speaking was similarly tumbleweed, although I appreciate that several people still approached me and haven’t forgotten about me! I did some lower lift things instead, hosting a panel for LeadDev on legacy codebases, being part of a LeadDev community representation group, and appearing on several podcasts including Pat Kua’s Managing Managers, and two for the wonderful Lena Reinhard’s Leadership Confidential. These latter two haven’t aired yet, but I was particularly proud about the one that talks about working in leadership with a disability.

I’ve decided I’m going to commit to creating one talk this year, as I do miss it, but I also know that future me will hate this decision a bit when I’m stressing about writing it!

Making things/hobbies

As I mentioned in the kid section above, I’m enjoying having a reason and prompt to do more creative things. Some of my favourites have been a triumph of a birthday cake, and becoming a part-time cardboard artist, notably with a Moana set of boat, oar, and Maui hook that are still played with months later. In non-kid crafts I also made a sculpture for the garden out of old barrel rings which was fun.

At some odds with that was my discovery of semi-cured gel nail strips, which helped my hands look much cooler for much of the year. I really, really need to work on not doing things like using my hands to dig in dirt straight after applying them though. On that note, the garden has still been both a source of joy and great frustration. It was another winter of big floods and then dry summers, and there’s again never enough time or energy to keep up with everything, but I still love it.

As with last year my Japanese studying has been decidedly mediocre, similarly because of energy and time. I’ve done some reading, and have persisted with speaking to my teacher (mostly) weekly which is always a joy, but I’m definitely feeling the lack of structure and more formal study. Since the start of the new year I’ve been more deliberate in trying to find even a small amount of time every day again, and I’m contemplating whether I want to actually make a concerted push for another exam at some point to give me a timescale to work towards.

I read 21 books and played 15 games last year, which was an increase in games from 2023 (details). My favourites were Matrescence Some Desperate Glory, the Nexus series, and my re-read of the Wool trilogy. In games, Gris and Chants of Sennar were the standouts.

Looking ahead

Terrifyingly we’re a month and a bit through the year already. I’ve got some exciting things lined up, notably around my birthday which is a big one and I’ll be taking full advantage of that as an excuse for fun. We’re also booked for Latitude festival.

Outside of that, as I mentioned above, I’m going to try to find a better balance with energy, work, studying, exercise, and health generally. Hopefully I’ll feel a bit better about the result at this end of this year!